The Standard Assay
Nine weeks
Your specimen is weighed, warmed, spoken to, and weighed again. A number is produced. The number is final. The number will not be shown to you.
Rendered Unto You
Services
All services are performed by appointment, in silence, and at a price determined after the fact by the weight of the resulting paperwork.
The Expedited Assay
One afternoon
Identical to the Standard Assay in every respect except duration, cost, and the Registrar’s willingness to make eye contact afterward.
The Gilt Seal
By petition
A wax impression in twenty-one-karat leaf, affixed to a certificate that must thereafter be stored flat, in a cool room, away from the curious. Two have ever been issued. One is upstairs in a drawer.
Adjudication of Rival Claims
Non-negotiable
Should another body assert the existence of a twenty-second karat, we dispatch a man in a good coat. He will stand outside their premises. He will not speak. Historically, this has been sufficient.
Vault Level −7 Storage
Unavailable
Seismically isolated. Climate-controlled. Currently empty and, per the unanimous consent of the Board, going to remain that way. The offer stands. The vault does not open.
Recovery of the Fourth Ingot
Discontinued
This service was offered between 1968 and 1968. Inquiries are logged. Inquiries are not answered. Please do not raise this at the front desk.
To engage the Institute, submit a petition. Petitions are read aloud at dusk to an empty room, which is how we have always done it, and how we will continue.